Control Issues
I play in an over-40 men’s soccer league on Tuesday nights in Chapel Hill.
I’m the goalkeeper on my team, we’re called Boca Seniors – which is a play on Boca Juniors, one of the biggest clubs in Argentina. Other teams in our league are Stroke City (Stoke City), Oldcastle (Newcastle), you get the idea.
It’s competitive. Like, actually competitive. A lot of these guys played college ball.
Some guys still move like they could suit up for their college team today.
Some guys get so wired up that the games turn into Tuesday Night Raw at Cedar Falls Park.
It’s honestly absurd how hard guys play and how much I care.
But it’s the best night of my week, win or lose.
And it’s all made for quite an experience considering my pre-40s soccer resume includes one season with the Bessemer City Comets when I was ~6 and occasional (very bad) pick-up with my college roommates in the grass behind the Old Well from 1998 to 2002.
(I’ll spare you the story on how I ended up playing, let alone playing keeper…but here I am.)
Thomas comes out to most of my games and it’s been rewarding to have him see me go from literally not knowing the rules to consistently good…and sometimes f*cking great.
I love the competitiveness, the physicality, the camaraderie, the screaming expletives at guys on the other team and then shaking hands after the game, the parking lot beers, etc.
But I didn’t expect to have a weekly spotlight shined on my control issues.
I Like Hard Problems…If I Can Touch the Dials.
When we lose to a better team? Fine, this happens a lot, we’re a mid-table team.
When I concede a goal on a great play or a killer shot? Also fine. Respect.
But when we lose to a team we should’ve beaten or I concede a goal because of a defensive breakdown or a freak deflection, I will awake until 2am staring at the ceiling, replaying the scenario in my head like the Zapruder film – looking for something I could have done.
Here’s the pattern:
If I try and succeed and I was in control? That’s the stuff I live for.
If I try and fail and I was in control? I can live with it.
If I try and succeed but it was mostly luck? Meh.
If I try and fail and I wasn’t in control?
That’s when I can’t deal.
I want to believe that effort maps to outcome. That work matters. That trying hard counts.
I logically understand and have been a homo sapien long enough to know that life doesn’t work like that, but my home erectus brain hasn’t gotten the memo.
So yeah, I’ve got some control issues.
I’m working on it.
Work Is Just Sports
This wiring actually works pretty well in my professional life. I’m the CEO of my company. I like the job because it’s hard and because my role has agency, accountability, and responsibility. I can make decisions and own the result.
I know that it’s not really true that I control the outcomes (the market always gets the last word), but I’ve had enough success to understand the correlation…or maybe enough success to let the illusion keep me going.
Same deal when things go sideways though – I have a VERY HARD TIME. The losses hit me way harder than the wins. I’ve had to deal with a lot over the last 12 months in particular.
But I always manage to work through it because this is the only work I’ve ever done and I’m just used to it…and I’m really good at it.
Then There's America
Zoom out far enough and the whole idea of control starts to feel like a joke.
I’m one of 340 million people in this country. I’m one of 300,000 people in Durham.
I don’t have much say in how this place runs.
I vote. I read. I donate to the causes and candidates I believe in. I try to be decent.
But our country has changed dramatically over the past decade – culturally, politically, socially – in ways that don’t align with my ethics, politics, worldview, whatever you want to call it.
I don’t want this to be a political post, so I won’t unpack it all here.
But yeah…I’ve been low-key seething for the better part of a decade.
I don’t do well when I feel powerless. (See above.)
Finding Ways to Work On It
I’m not running for office, but I did join the board of my kids’ school.
Not trying to consolidate power or execute on some agenda. I just needed to feel like I was taking action to channel some of this existential goal keeper / CEO energy into something that matters for my family and my community.
All three of my kids go to this school. It’s a K-12 charter with a big budget and a real community. I’m on the finance committee. It’s all volunteer, but it’s not performative. It’s real work.
I hope that I’ve found a pocket of agency that’s meaningful. I’m not the Board Chair (PTL), but I have a voice. I can show up and help.
Overprocessing
I still stay awake until 2am when we lose on Tuesdays or even if we win, but I let a weak player get a bullshit goal past me. I’m able to rationalize myself out of it because even thought these games matter a lot they don’t actually matter.
The work losses still hit way, way harder than the work wins, but I can deal.
I’m still aghast and angry at the state of our country and our politics. But at least I can try to channel some of that energy into making things a little better for my kids, their classmates, and their families.
Life is full of games you can’t control.
Sometimes you can anticipate the shot, gather yourself, dive, and confidently tip the ball outside of the post.
Sometimes you have to have the courage to run at the player that’s about to blast a shot and hope that ball hits you…knowing it’s gonna hurt.
Sometimes you do everything right and the ball squirts by on a deflection you didn’t anticipate.
Control is comforting, sure.
But meaning comes from showing up.