Indisputable, Factual Reasons to Hate Aerosmith

Editor's Note: On November 9, 2004, a few Brontos (Ed, Chaz, and Joe) and I had a passionate (and pointless conversation) about Aerosmith's place in the rock and roll pantheon. I sent the following email that afternoon to sum up what I belive to be an air-tight case for Aerosmith's permanent placement on the rock and roll "B" list.
Thanks to Ed for reminding me of this conversation today.

To continue this afternoon's argument, here are some indisputable, factual reasons to hate Aerosmith:

- They wrote a song entitled "Eat The Rich." Ironic?

- The trilogy of suck - "Crying", "Amazing", and that song from the movie "Armageddon." Real rock bands don't do trite power ballads, especially trite power ballads that soundtrack God-awful movies.

- They released a greatest hits album in 1980. This is more or less a symbolic end to all musical creativity. Once a band releases a "greatest hits", they might as well stop releasing new music.

- Joey Kramer is a less-than-average drummer.

- From - "Three years later (2001), Aerosmith strutted their stuff on the halftime special on CBS with the likes of Mary J. Blige, Nelly, *N Sync, and Britney Spears. "Birds of a feather" if you ask me...

- Name 3 important Aerosmith albums from their "prime". That's right - you can't. (Because there aren't any, besides "Toys in the Attic") They don't produce albums - they produce singles. Stones, Beatles, Dylan, Led Zep, Who, Springsteen, etc. all, in the peak of their career, produced strings of entire albums full of good music.

Let's not kid ourselves - Aerosmith is a popular band from the 70s and 80s, but by no means are they "classic", or even "important".

Redeeming qualities:

  • Steven Tyler begat Liv Tyler.

  • That video with Liv Tyler and whats-her-name from the movie "Clueless".

  • "Dude Looks Like A Lady" - while an incredibly stupid song - was perfect for the "Mrs. Doubtfire" soundtrack.

  • Joe Perry is a good guitarist.

2006 Update

They still suck:

  • The 2006 July 4th concert with the Boston Pops. There isn't a person on Earth that can convince me that this crap-tastic performance "rocks" or even deserved to be filmed for posterity. If the introduction from Dr. Phil (Dr. Phil!) or the fact that Aerosmith let big-money co-opt their "music" for patriotic propaganda doesn't do it for you, then just watch until the "scream" at the 2:12 mark.

  • Tom Hamilton, the bass player, looks like Dauber from the TV show "Coach".

  • I heard "Love In An Elevator" today on the radio. God - please make it stop.

Redeeming Qualities:

  • They appeared in a cool Saturday Night Live Wayne's World skit. "Aerosmith is in my breakfast nook! Aerosmith is sitting in my nook where I eat my Nut and Honey Crunch every morning."